I know my current wife for 10 years. Since 2 years, we argue. I’m very sorry and it hurts me a lot. I have the feeling that no matter what or how I say it: it’s wrong. My wife sees an attack or that I’m bad. I have therefore drawn more and more back, because I don’t want to argue with her because it hurts me when we argue. I don’t know how I can get to them. The fact that I pull myself back, she thinks that I love you. You can feel my love. I’m sorry, but I just have no more strength.

We were to have understood the years before, so happy we us without words. It was just so great and loving. Now I’m afraid that we remove ourselves more and more and our marriage will fail. I would tell her my feelings, but I’m afraid that it considers it wrong or you don’t understand me.Sure my Silence the wrong way, but I’m at a loss and somehow become powerless.

I know that my wife suffers exactly as I do. I love you and I hope that we can be happy again. I really need a good advice and help.

LG Klaus B.

Dear Klaus B.,

you sound really desperate. It is also very unnerving, if you experienced a home such a frosty climate, and the feeling that you can’t say anything without it being wrong.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).

When I hear that a Couple argues a lot, of interest to me are two things. Firstly, there Are important reasons for a dispute and disagreement? For example, a Partner has an affair, drinks too much alcohol or not taking care of the household duties?

don’t write about this, but maybe you can’t write down for what (except for the tense, mood) in your marriage and what has not voted in two years ago, when they started to argue so much.

Second, (usually the more important point): How you talk to each other and how they argue? Few researchers have observed for decades, couples in everyday situations, and found that the way couples talk to each other, is a major, how satisfied are you in your relationship.

There are positive behaviors, such as, for example, to share a Smile with, someone to agree with him understanding, patiently listening, a loving joke to make the other Speak tenderly to touch, to give in, a compromise propose and much, much more.

The negative behavior that someone shows his Partner, are, for example, contradict, turn away, the other person, insult him, blaming him negative feelings or motives (“You’re not only late because I am”), to the Stop-signals to respond to you anyway, according to will, the other to blackmail or threaten, and much more.

J. Peirano: The secret Code of love When I’m in a bad mood, I make my girlfriend ready-to – afterwards I’m sorry”

In good partnerships is the ratio of positive to negative behaviors is 5:1 !

“Right,” Arguing can be learned. It is important to address what is bothering you, but not to hurt.

For example, it is important to use ‘ I ‘ messages instead of You-messages. “You’re selfish, because you only buy what you like” then: “I would be glad if you come and buy the stuff to bring, which I like. I’m sometimes disappointed, if you forget me my strawberry yogurt to bring. Can I write you a list with my stuff?”

Or accusations are going to Want to: “I hate it when you always come late” to: “Can you please watch on time, if I for us to cook. It is so annoying when I have to wait.”

Many people have the mistaken belief that you have in your partnership, the right to be clear and not to offend the Partner, for example, because he has to behave incorrectly. The Fatal thing is that no Partner has to understand. On the contrary, He responds to an accusation with a counter-attack. And so a fierce dispute, in which no one feels understood and at the end both of them hurt and are desperately begins. So how do you and your wife.

Sometimes it helps to imagine how strangers or friends would react if you talk with them, as with the Partner. If you were to say, for example, the saleswoman at the vegetable stand: “I know very well that you have me with the intention of the rotten plums planted.” Or the assistant would say: “What are you pulling a face like that? You have your days?”

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If you press these buttons in other people, you immediately go to the barricades. And the Partner also, perhaps even more so than the market-woman, because he feels he is not loved. And because the inhibitions are not after some fierce dispute.

I’m afraid that communication with your wife is poisoned at the time. Both of you can’t imagine that the other means well, and that you can talk to, without stepping on a “landmine,” and immediately spark a war.

So how would you describe the camp, I have the impression that it is still not clear what proportion has your wife in the dispute, and what shares you have. This is also to answer without help from the outside is difficult because it is, so to speak, for his own relationship operating blind.

Therefore I strongly suggest you to make a couple therapy. If there is a financial Problem (couple therapy is not covered by health insurance), you can get at a Church counseling center couples therapy at a fair price.

your woman even to move, could you maybe write a letter, in which you write what you wrote to me – that you and your wife love and want their marriage back harmonious. Maybe you can show her my answer.

In a couple of therapy will prepare the therapist with you, what is wrong in communication and how you better can speak with each other. Also you can remember, what used to work out so well (I guess the fact that you have both made a lot of nice things, and maybe also physically affectionate to each other were). You can then try to do exactly these things.

All the best to you!


Julia Peirano

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